Crime at the RelaxRanch

We have just heard from an anonymous caller about an incident that took place at the RelaxRanch on Värmlandsnäs in the early hours of February 16, 2023.

This is a gruesome crime committed by the alleged perpetrator Jonna vom Lothar Sturm against Giovanni R., the clan leader of the Hofhühnerschar flock. We have been informed that Jonna v.L.S., a repeat offender with a criminal record, was able to escape to freedom between the legs of her probation officer. Giovanni R. is still in shock and tells us how the crime happened.

"I was sitting with my girls unsuspectingly in front of the big house and we were picking at worms and bugs in the grass when I saw the door open and the white beast came shooting out. We all fled at once and the crazy dog immediately turned on me. I ran as fast as I could, but it caught me by my roots and with tremendous brutality it tore all my beautiful tail feathers out of my roots. I am horrified, how can such a beast go free without a footcuff or leash or something??? Where do we live here?"

Giovanni R., who is originally from Sicily, rightly asks himself how it can be that something so terrible can happen.

As Jonna v.L.S.'s probation officer told us, he immediately ran after the fugitive and was able to prevent worse by grabbing her by the scruff and separating her from the shocked Giovanni R..

Even though the victim was not seriously injured, the psychological wounds are deep and Giovanni R. is undergoing psychological treatment. He is deeply offended in his dignity, as he now has to walk around naked in front of his ladies. His deputy Giuseppe, who also has Italian roots, made the following statement: "I don't know what to say. It's sad, but how can he be boss with his bare ass? I'll take over now, because the way he's walking around is a bit rootless."

We will continue to follow the progress of La Famiglia des Giovanni R. and keep you up to date.

Jonna v.L.S., who already has an extensive criminal record for similar offenses, has now been sentenced to a lifelong leash obligation on the unfenced grounds of the RelaxRanch wellness oasis. Despite several warnings, the perpetrator is not understanding and is not aware of any guilt.

That was the latest news from the RelaxRanch. And now to the weather. It's still snowing down to the lowlands, but spring is sure to come.

With this in mind, we wish our followers a wonderful weekend.

Your Ilvy from RelaxRanch-Radio